Not all, but many people that I work with struggle with psychological and emotional issues to some degree. The most common examples are depression, anxiety, stress, addictions, obsessive behaviours & phobias.
In many cases, their desire ( ‘need’ ) to feel in control tends to be an issue.
A few examples of this are..
🔸 Avoiding situations / tasks
🔸 Needing to know everything about an event before committing
🔸 Fearing stepping out of your comfort zone
🔸 Often feeling the need to be busy + productive
🔸 Obsessive behaviours (cleaning, repetitive actions, asking questions)
🔸 Relying on crutches eg drinking, gambling, other people, shopping etc
🔸 Believing in external factors can gain control eg touching wood, reading horoscopes, lucky shoes etc
🔸 Worry / panicking when asked to do something new
🔸 Setting rigid, high standards with yourself and being very critical when you fail you reach them
🔸 Rash decision making
These are just a few examples of ‘over-controlling’ behaviours that people exhibit when they want to feel more in control. Which is why it’s likely you only ‘do’ one of the above around events, and experiences, that you would like to feel more in control over.
So, why would you want to feel more in control?
Generally, people only ‘over-control’ events where they doubt their abilities to manage, and cope. Because they feel out of control, and doubt their ability to manage and cope, they then attempt one of the above behaviours to give the feeling of control.
For example, it’s likely you don’t ‘touch wood’ when putting out the bins, or putting on your shoes. This is because you believe in your abilities to do it, and cope with any outcome.
If, however, you’re going for a job interview, feeling a bit nervous and out of your comfort zone (but want to feel more relaxed and in control), your WANT to feel more in control may drive you to adapt certain behaviours e.g. cross fingers, rigorously research, obsess / think about it for days in advance, wear your lucky socks etc.
These are over-controlling behaviours that symbolise a want to gain control, over an event you feel somewhat out of control.
These behaviours may seem trivial in the short-term, though have a significantly negative effect overall. Whilst you may create an instant feeling of control – it is only an illusion – you’re, obviously, not actually gaining any control over the outcome.
For example, by avoiding an event, you are reinforcing your lack of skills to manage it. By drinking alcohol when nervous about a social event, your reinforcing the belief you can’t cope. By wearing your lucky socks when going for a job interview, you’re reinforcing the idea that you lack the skills to manage it.
So, in summary, in most cases, the motivator behind ‘over-controlling’ behaviours is to compensate for a lack of skills to manage or cope with an experience (or general life).
It is for this reason that building strong coping skills represents a significant part of my coaching. Being able to understand yourself, and how to manage your thoughts, emotions and behaviours provides you the necessary self-insight and skillset required to life your best life.
I offer a free consultation via zoom, or face to face in Dungannon if you’d like to chat about how I can help you achieve this.